Writing thoughts, free writing

Lately, I’m finding myself in this familiar dilemma again — I can’t seem to write. I’ve tried everything. Locked myself in a hotel room to write, spent the whole day in a café to write, even went out of the country to write. But write I did not.

My deadline was October 1st. It’s now October 27th, and though to be fair to me, I actually have made some writing, it’s not the kind of writing I’m proud of. It’s okay lang. It’s pwede na ‘yan. But that’s not the kind of script I want to turn in. I want a script I’m proud of. Right now, it’s so far from that.

Maybe because I’m not yet completely done with Fan Girl. We’re now in post-production, completing the music and sound design. We’re hoping to premiere in an international film festival next year, fingers crossed. The Fan Girl process has been a dream. It came from a germ of an idea three years ago and started writing it. Circumstances beyond my control stopped us from doing the film three years ago. Then I started developing it again last year. We joined a project market in Busan in 2018 and a script development lab from Europe mid-2019. I rewrote and revised the script before we finally began filming. We took our time. We didn’t start to shoot until we’re ready. Until we found a brave actor in Paulo Avelino who agreed to play as himself and not once questioned what was written in the script. I guess that’s what happens when the actor believes in the same vision as the director, I’m a lucky director!; until we knew we found the right fan girl (the story of finally finding her is another story altogether; remind me to write about it! It’s like what they say about finding true love – Pag nakita mo na, alam mong siya na – like when how we knew it when she entered the room during auditions); until the mansion, the main location, is the perfect mansion for the story; until it’s time to finally do this. Everything happens for a reason. That’s been my mantra. It took this long because it was meant to be that way. Had I done this three years ago, I wouldn’t have had the same wisdom (no matter how little, it matters still! Haha) and sensibilities as now, so my immaturity would show. Most of all, it was a different Philippines three years ago, and so Fan Girl naturally evolved from being just about fan culture in show business to fan culture in general. The Pinoys’s worship of an idol who may or may not be worthy of all the fanaticism. (Wow, that was a long paragraph, I’m sorry for rambling.)

And now, two months after finishing filming, we’re still not done with the film! What a treat! ‘m so used to doing films in just three months because of the impending playdate, so I really am grateful for being given the time to make mistakes, to try this and that, to experiment, to ultimately make the film I want to make. I am grateful for my producers, collaborators, and staff and crew. I wish I can have this timeline in every film I make. After all, cinema is the process.

Now Universe, please help me write.

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