Ilaya Ilaya

“I used to think I love you more than I loved him, but now I’m not so sure,” I said, then he said, “Why?”, then I said, “The way I love you now, I don’t think I loved him at all.”

“Pang-ilang tao po yung iluluto, tinatanong ng catering?” tanong sa’kin.

“Pang-20 pax po,” sabi ko.

“Ah so sabihin ko po sa catering na pang-20 pax ang iluto?”

Ay hindi teh, isikreto mo please, mas nakakabusog yun.

My first full-length film is competing at the 14th Udine Far Eastern Film Festival in Italy in April, but poor me, they decided to award the round-trip airfare to my lead star instead of me. I always thought that the director gets the first priority in receiving invitations to personally grace the film festival; it’s the director’s film, right? It breaks my heart. This is my first international film festival where my film’s competing (my short films got screened in many countries but not in competition), and there’s a chance I won’t even be there to see it for myself. It breaks my heart, really.

That guy who said that opportunity knocks only once? He got too eager grabbing the first opportunity that came, went away in a heartbeat, and so when the great opportunities came knocking again, he wasn’t there anymore to answer the door.

I’m watching the Oscars right now, and I’m thinking, fuck, I want a standing ovation someday. And maybe, at Sundance.

Traydor ang mga alaala.
Magpapaalam sa’yo
hanggang makalimot ka.
Pero eksakto. Sa puntong
sinabi mo na sa sarili mong
wala ka nang isasaya pa,
lilitaw siyang muli.
Na mula sa malayo pa lang
ay kilalang-kilala mo na.
At paglapit nito sa’yong harapan,
babalik ka sa pamilyar na lugar.
At ikaw ay mamamatay na naman.
Tuloy, takot ka nang maging masaya.
Pagkat

Traydor ang mga alaala.

Written May 24, 2007

Kiltepan Viewpoint, Sagada, Mountain Province (Photo by Antoinette Jadaone)

Anak, ipaalala mo sa akin, kapag marunong ka nang maglakad nang malayu-layo at kaya mo nang tumalon nang mataas-taas, dadalhin kita sa Sagada, doon sa tuktok, sa Kiltepan, suot ang pinakamakapal mong jacket, at tuturuan kitang abutin ang langit.

Kailangan mong tumingkayad, anak, kailangan mong tumalon, kailangan mong itaas ang iyong mga kamay, kailangan mong pumikit, basta aabutin natin ang langit. Para kung sakaling may manubok mang-inggit sa’yong kaklaseng nakapunta na siya sa Disneyland, o sa Hongkong, o sa Korea, hindi siya magtatagumpay. Mapupuntahan din natin ang mga iyon, anak, balang araw, pero hindi lahat, naabot na ang langit.

“Nay, pangit ba ‘ko?”
“Anak, bili ka nga ng San Mig. Mahaba-habang inuman ‘to.”

“Nay, pangit ba ‘ko?”
“Busy ako.”